shortform

note 143

if i name my son Damian do i have to put a Jr at the end

note 142

the naughty and nice list are just constructs of the ruling class designed to keep us divided so we never realize the common enemy

note 141

i am on the keta diet. that means only ketamine, all the time

note 140

the purpose of humanity was to invent the treadmill. now that we’ve done that, we’re pretty much done

note 139

the word fart is funny but the word ‘far’ is funnier. shorter, snappier, has better comedic punch

note 138

i like how, to distinguish them from recycling, some trash bins now have pictures of trash bins on them

note 137

how come directors never make cameos in pornos

note 136

any attempt to blow up the grand canyon can only make it grander

note 135

i heard the next generation of smartphones will be microwave safe

note 134

as a clothing item, flu shot band-aids are kinda hot

note 133

fuck, i forgot how to ride a bicycle

note 132

when are they gonna invent automatic toilets that work in the dark

note 131

excited for daylight savings time because my broken clock is gonna get to be right 3 times in a day

note 130

if halloween were on october 26th it would be a garbage tier holiday. 96% of the mystique, gone, like that

note 129

me rubbing cream on my skin: “ah, topical”

note 128

me as toddler when mom feeds me: ‘whats the deal with food airplane’

note 127

welcome to my orchestra auditions, i will be judging you solely on how fast you can play Flight of the Bumblebee

note 126

one of my hobbies is failing the turing test

note 125

i have decided to replace abcd order in lists with an alternate system, because :) smiley face, ;) winky face, and 8) coolguy

note 124

me explaining to TSA the importance of my unusual comfort animal: “the oyster is my world”