note 367
i have a high libido but instead of sex it’s for people saying funny things
note 366
concept: the movie “Yesterday”, but instead of the Beatles, the lead is the only one who remembers any songs by Kendrick Lamar. the twist: the lead is a white woman
note 365
going to become one of those tweeters who just tweets all the time
note 364
going to make a dating app where the only person ur allowed to date is me
epic lick
note 363
well, that was another hour of my life I’ll get back!
the skeletons are closing in
note 362
if i was a fruit, i would be a pear. this is because pears are the best fruit, and i am the best person
pachelbel would be vibing in his grave
note 360
scientists placed children in a room with a marshmallow, and told them they would get another if they could go 10 minutes without eating it. 20 years later, the scientists found that the ones who didn’t wait 10 minutes got with a total of 70% more smoking hot babes as adults
note 361
photo of martin egg at his halloween party :) https://t.co/DGAiYsvD7N
martin egg on halloween
he went as a football
note 359
RT @damien__snyder: for halloween i’m going as the abstract concept of suffering
note 358
any time you go to a new dentist, the first thing you need to ask is: are they part of the 9 out of 10 who recommend things, or the 1 out of 10 who think they’re too good for that?
note 357
i show up to the party in a woodpecker costume. 3 beers in i am smashing my head into the drywall
note 355
apologies, i thought Daylight Saving Time was last night. in fact it is two weeks from now. expect to see a correctly timed Daylight Saving Time-themed tweet on Nov 7
note 356
well, that was another hour of my life I’ll get back
goobert
he strides
note 353
oh, this is a family recipe? what family member did you put in it