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note 387

2022.01.12

oh, you use BAIT when you fish? pathetic. a FISHING ROD? revolting. every morning i wriggle in the stream like the little worm i am, and i grab the fish with my god-given hands and toss them onto shore. if you don’t ascend scaly and wet each night, DON’T call yourself a fisherman

note 386

2022.01.11

fun fact: up to 40% of the funny jokes your friends say are ghostwritten by me

note 385

2022.01.10

(forgetting my blinker is on) “man, this song has some crazy polyrhythms”

note 384

2022.01.06

whenever i solve math problems i root for the eventual answer to be positive. it adds a little drama to the affair

note 383

2022.01.01

gonna be a great year for all of my fans of the digit 2 out there

note 382

2021.12.31

i like finding long, unfamiliar acronyms. they are like puzzles

note 381

2021.12.29

(me trying to flirt) “so whats your favorite genre of sex”

note 380

2021.12.23

any time a story introduces characters whose names start with A B and C my guard is instantly raised

note 379

2021.12.19

i think someone should make a bluetooth speaker that is shaped like a common fruit or vegetable. seems like you could make a lot of money that way

note 378

2021.12.17

touch grass? uh, no thanks. would much rather touch some Ass

note 377

2021.12.14

why do people keep saying to “gaslight gatekeep girlboss”? isn’t gaslighting and gatekeeping someone pretty mean?

note 376

2021.12.01

“a picture is worth a thousand words” is just Big Picture trying to get you to buy more pictures

note 375

2021.11.29

getting excited for “A Very Death Grips Christmas” to drop

note 374

2021.11.25

(cryptographer dating profile) “just a Bob looking for my Alice”

note 373

2021.11.24

if we’re not careful then we’ll end up with gay luxury space neoliberalism

note 372

2021.11.23

scheduled to appear soon on the television programme “best opinion havers of all time”

note 371

2021.11.22

post-structuralist erotic fiction is the only thing that gets me off these days

note 370

2021.11.17

why is it that whenever i’m nice to a girl she thinks i’m trying to get into her pants. they probably don’t even fit me

note 369

2021.11.15

the collective noun for bargains is “a great deal”

note 368

2021.11.14

(me yelling at this statue) “You think you’re so fucking cool? Huh? You think you’re so fucking tough?” https://t.co/xEYy4DDbIa