shortform

note 424

2022.04.10

scientists say he died of complications following an exceptionally awkward joke

note 423

2022.04.09

if you were a who living in whoville would “who’s on first” be more or less funny

holy shit. buzzfeed and the new york times are reporting that the easter bunny is anti union. what a shameful truth. it is time to move past this outdated mascot of easter who does not represent our times https://t.co/vq8VX3FwSv

note 421

2022.04.06

no one speaks french. it’s just a prank they’re playing

note 420

2022.04.04

aaaaand scene (dies)

note 419

2022.04.01

for april fools i’m gonna not tweet, and then you’ll all wonder “where did damien go?? he hasn’t tweeted?! is he ok!??” you should see the look on your faces when i do that

note 418

2022.03.30

i heard jojo fans actually invented making references to things

note 417

2022.03.29

they should make a law where i’m allowed to steal money from other people

note 416

2022.03.27

they hate me. and i hypothesize it has to do with the fact that they ain’t me

note 415

2022.03.26

i think i would be more popular if i finally joined that ‘planking’ fad everyone’s talking about. but i’m not gonna do it. i have standards, you know

note 414

2022.03.25

what if the girl stopped reading this

note 413

2022.03.24

everyone is talking ukraine this and gas prices that meanwhile i am literaly still single

note 412

2022.03.23

going to start giving compliments that also remind you of your deepest insecurities, but do so in a kind and loving manner that will guide you on the path to personal growth should you choose to take it

note 411

2022.03.22

Oh!!!?! these are unprecedented times?!!! thank you for mentioning that! it would also be unprecedented for me to clock you, leaving you gasping for breath!

note 410

2022.03.18

all i can think about is applying metrics to make data-driven decisions. i’ve quit talking to friends because data-driven decisions are more rewarding. i didn’t even know i had a problem until i applied the metrics about it. life is now just an inefficiency to optimize away