note 429
i just want u to be a little emotionally dependent on me. is that so much to ask
note 427
BREAKING: top ethicists have declared it “immoral” to not pay enough attention to me
note 428
only 2 people.... haha yeah, it’s pretty niche. but i’m a nerd so i get it
note 426
star wars (like if you get this reference)
note 425
i wish i was like the minecraft villager, so whenever you make me angry a little storm cloud would flash over my head
note 424
scientists say he died of complications following an exceptionally awkward joke
note 423
if you were a who living in whoville would “who’s on first” be more or less funny
note 422
holy shit. buzzfeed and the new york times are reporting that the easter bunny is anti union. what a shameful truth. it is time to move past this outdated mascot of easter who does not represent our times https://t.co/vq8VX3FwSv
note 421
no one speaks french. it’s just a prank they’re playing
note 420
aaaaand scene (dies)
note 419
for april fools i’m gonna not tweet, and then you’ll all wonder “where did damien go?? he hasn’t tweeted?! is he ok!??” you should see the look on your faces when i do that
note 418
i heard jojo fans actually invented making references to things
note 417
they should make a law where i’m allowed to steal money from other people
note 416
they hate me. and i hypothesize it has to do with the fact that they ain’t me
note 415
i think i would be more popular if i finally joined that ‘planking’ fad everyone’s talking about. but i’m not gonna do it. i have standards, you know
note 414
what if the girl stopped reading this
note 413
everyone is talking ukraine this and gas prices that meanwhile i am literaly still single
note 412
going to start giving compliments that also remind you of your deepest insecurities, but do so in a kind and loving manner that will guide you on the path to personal growth should you choose to take it
note 411
Oh!!!?! these are unprecedented times?!!! thank you for mentioning that! it would also be unprecedented for me to clock you, leaving you gasping for breath!
note 410
all i can think about is applying metrics to make data-driven decisions. i’ve quit talking to friends because data-driven decisions are more rewarding. i didn’t even know i had a problem until i applied the metrics about it. life is now just an inefficiency to optimize away