notes

note 29

not to brag but i just totally had a monster dump

note 28

if you think being green is hard, try being a shag carpet

note 27

no one can tell that you’re bleeding when you’re swimming in a pool of blood

note 26

the water cycle is not eligible for the presidency in 2020. any organization with the aims of putting the water cycle in office is unfortunately misguided

note 24

oh no, i wanted to distinguish myself from the cyber-monkeys that have come to rule the earth, but i too have become a cyber-monkey

note 25

quiz: which type of pea are you?

• (y/n) you like that boom boom pow
• (y/n) them chickens jackin’ your style
• (y/n) they try to copy your swagger
• (y/n) you live in a pod

note 23

new 100% successful dating trick! get any girl you like! i call it the petrarch method

note 22

there’s a certain sense of freedom that comes from driving to the store and buying two lemons

note 21

has anyone else noticed how pointy needles are

note 20

i’ve been noticing lately how many things look like inkblots

note 19

dianetics. a true cult classic

note 18

yolo! that’s spanish for yol

note 17

chair book table is the most english sounding name ever

note 16

the bartender says, “why the long face?”

a tachyon wearing a horse mask walks into a bar

note 15

now imagine you’re fucking a sheep

you fucking like that don’t you

note 14

now the real question is, do fingers look like carrots or do carrots look like fingers

note 13

cool math fact: if the digits of a number add up to 1, the number is a power of 10

note 12

everyone riding dragons in movies but why do they stop worrying about falling after the first 3 seconds

note 11

sugar cookies? as opposed to what

note 10

be careful who you call ugly in reindeer school