notes

note 113

on every president’s first day in the White House they have to learn where all the booby traps are

note 114

does anyone know kermit the frogs email address

note 112

baby carrots? sorry, i don’t eat those. i only eat Man Carrots

note 111

would you rather be the handle of a spatula or the flippy part of a spatula

note 110

i am a member of an organization

note 109

Breaking: Not To Be Outdone By Beto O’Rourke, Bernie Sanders Answers First Question Of Debate In Hebrew

note 108

youd think by now they wouldve figured out how to make the windows on airplanes line up with the seats

note 107

i heard that the true meaning of christmas is in a vault in atlanta and for years they’ve just been disseminating fakes

note 106

one time i read a book called “i think my dad is an alien”, which achieved moderate success here but has been largely ignored by aliens for having a boring premise

note 105

the year is 2019 and 202/365 and we still have not abolished mixed numbers. what is happening to our society

note 104

i would go off the grid, but i don’t think i’m ready to give up my electric toothbrush

note 103

you have been DENIED entry to the swag zone. better luck next time, kid.

note 102

fireworks are interesting because there aren’t too many other things advertised as “illegal”

note 101

one word horror story:

GHOST

note 100

if they don’t stop making sunscreen sticks look so much like glue sticks, i’m gonna accidentally eat some one of these days

note 99

i didn’t want to do that to you, but look, if you mess with the toilet you get the shit

note 98

there is an episode of Magic School Bus where arnold eats too many carrots and his skin turns orange, and if you don’t think i remember that episode every time i eat carrots, you are dead wrong

note 97

“You miss 100% of the shots you take.” —Wayne Gretsky, to his teammate Risto Jalo

note 96

if i marry my counselor will i get a better letter of rec

note 95

Applying for a spot at Steervesant Academy and an internship with Fedex to hopefully get into a prestigious driving university, such as Carnegie Mellon, or Carvard.