notes

note 127

welcome to my orchestra auditions, i will be judging you solely on how fast you can play Flight of the Bumblebee

note 126

one of my hobbies is failing the turing test

note 125

i have decided to replace abcd order in lists with an alternate system, because :) smiley face, ;) winky face, and 8) coolguy

note 124

me explaining to TSA the importance of my unusual comfort animal: “the oyster is my world”

note 123

Interview: 34-Year-Old Financial Journalist Unable To Say “Alphabet” Without Compulsively Prefacing It With “Google’s Parent Company” (read more)

note 122

starting a psychedelic rock back called Run DMT

note 121

step 2. world domination

note 120

if i had a million dollars for every time i was at the gym and some guy on the treadmill kept squeaking his shoes on the non-moving front part every step but didn’t notice because he was listening to death metal, i’d be rich!

note 119

it’s my birthday so i don’t have to pay taxes

note 118

never, EVER look a gift giraffe in the mouth

note 117

i heard they were going to release the very first ‘wise phone’

note 116

is ‘nutted’ proper AP style guide terminology

note 115

a broken compass is always right if you’re exactly at magnetic north

note 113

on every president’s first day in the White House they have to learn where all the booby traps are

note 114

does anyone know kermit the frogs email address

note 112

baby carrots? sorry, i don’t eat those. i only eat Man Carrots

note 111

would you rather be the handle of a spatula or the flippy part of a spatula

note 110

i am a member of an organization

note 109

Breaking: Not To Be Outdone By Beto O’Rourke, Bernie Sanders Answers First Question Of Debate In Hebrew

note 108

youd think by now they wouldve figured out how to make the windows on airplanes line up with the seats