notes

note 154

i would photosynthesize for myself but it’s cheaper to outsource it

note 153

one of my hobbies is Holding A Mirror Up To Society

note 152

take your funk playing to a new level with Spank Bass technique

note 151

New CDC exercise guidelines: “please, anything, we’re begging you”

note 150

the new trendy baby name for is Jar Jar

note 149

nowadays you have to get car insurance insurance, for if you forget to buy car insurance but you drive a car anyway

note 147

happy birthday! i got you an extra special gift. …that’s right, it’s stock options from my startup

note 148

the world’s oldest profession is actually banker. look it up

note 146

the michelin man is named bibendum. i am not making this up

note 145

scientists are devising new colors of orange juice in colors that are not orange

note 144

air mattresses are nice but when are we going to get other air furniture

note 143

if i name my son Damian do i have to put a Jr at the end

note 142

the naughty and nice list are just constructs of the ruling class designed to keep us divided so we never realize the common enemy

note 141

i am on the keta diet. that means only ketamine, all the time

note 140

the purpose of humanity was to invent the treadmill. now that we’ve done that, we’re pretty much done

note 139

the word fart is funny but the word ‘far’ is funnier. shorter, snappier, has better comedic punch

note 138

i like how, to distinguish them from recycling, some trash bins now have pictures of trash bins on them

note 137

how come directors never make cameos in pornos

note 136

any attempt to blow up the grand canyon can only make it grander

note 135

i heard the next generation of smartphones will be microwave safe