notes

note 394

(checking my phone at the airport) “time to put the ‘terminal’ in terminally online”

note 393

the automated voice at the grocery store self checkout is annoying, but it’s worth it for the feeling when i press a button and it shuts up

note 392

(eating tacos) “i bet this kind of food could really get popular”

note 391

(home alone for the last 7 hours) “there’s no way to know for sure who made this mess, but it’s important to remember that the perpetrator might just be a misunderstood guy trying to do his best…”

note 390

hey babe what if we exchanged Taxpayer Identification Numbers (TIN)

note 389

i can accept red lines under possible typos, but now text editors try to correct my grammar? my punctuation? my God Damn capitalization? do they take me for a fool? why don’t you go correct the Pope’s interpretation of the bible while you’re at it

note 388

in Independence Day (1996), the US president is some guy who was never the president in real life. the director must have forgot who Bill Clinton was. i bet he’s kicking himself over that one

note 387

oh, you use BAIT when you fish? pathetic. a FISHING ROD? revolting. every morning i wriggle in the stream like the little worm i am, and i grab the fish with my god-given hands and toss them onto shore. if you don’t ascend scaly and wet each night, DON’T call yourself a fisherman

note 386

fun fact: up to 40% of the funny jokes your friends say are ghostwritten by me

note 385

(forgetting my blinker is on) “man, this song has some crazy polyrhythms”

note 384

whenever i solve math problems i root for the eventual answer to be positive. it adds a little drama to the affair

note 383

gonna be a great year for all of my fans of the digit 2 out there

note 382

i like finding long, unfamiliar acronyms. they are like puzzles

note 381

(me trying to flirt) “so whats your favorite genre of sex”

note 380

any time a story introduces characters whose names start with A B and C my guard is instantly raised

note 379

i think someone should make a bluetooth speaker that is shaped like a common fruit or vegetable. seems like you could make a lot of money that way

note 378

touch grass? uh, no thanks. would much rather touch some Ass

note 377

why do people keep saying to “gaslight gatekeep girlboss”? isn’t gaslighting and gatekeeping someone pretty mean?

note 376

“a picture is worth a thousand words” is just Big Picture trying to get you to buy more pictures

note 375

getting excited for “A Very Death Grips Christmas” to drop